11062017 relapse

Life is empty and meaningless.

I am struggling so hard to give it meaning, and finding it so hard to make each day count. I wake up feeling like a zombie, I go to work and interact with everyone I know like a preprogrammed robot. Doing the bare minimum to be able to function and interact like a normal human being. 

I wake up feeling anxious and depressed. I go to bed also anxious and depressed. I feel like I’ve let myself down, I do think feel a sense of accomplishment…I feel nothing. 

I don’t know what triggered these thoughts. It’s probably just the usual. Other people’s Instagram photos, facebook updates, work, current affairs, friends and family. Other people’s life events makes me feel under accomplished and extremely inadequate, other people’s words and actions hurt me tremendously. 

The only comfort I find is when I close my eyes, and I’m surrounded by darkness. That is when I’m most peaceful. No reflection on the past, and no anticipation of the future. Just right there, alone. I am pushing people away, because emotional connection drains me. 

The darkness is an indicator for me to not worry about anyone or anything. The darkness is where I’d find eternal peace. 

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I have felt like this for months. I keep putting off talking to a professional a out it, because I just don’t want to hold myself accountable for myself. 

How many people have felt how I felt? 

Do I count my blessings again and do a gratitude journal? Do I sit through another NLP course? Do I just suffer in silence and make it harder for those who love me? Do I stay active and let the good brain chemistry fix me up instead? Do I just quit everything that I’m doing and go on a retreat for self help? Do I just take up another hobby? Do I maybe go and study? 

Just how many fucking journeys do people go on to be able to pat their own back and say to themselves “well done mate!” ??? 

Most experts say ” don’t compare yourself to others”, but we all do! We all get a bit of a high thinking that we’ve outdone another person at having awesome life. 

I am depressed and anxious all the time. Again. The only way I know how to fix this is by recording this on my blog and cry when nobody is watching me, or think about the many different ways to find myself eternal peace. 

Does this then count as my cry for help? Probably. I don’t know! I don’t think I know where my breaking point is anymore. 

So…this journey continues… I hope I feel normal soon…

05052017 when the past hits you like a tidal wave

Talking with a few close colleagues of mine brought me back to a piece of my past that I’m not particularly proud of, and it occurred to me tonight that I only felt like I’ve paid off that bad karma 3 years ago. 

I’ve held on to a huge amount of guilt and frustration, and it was good to stop holding myself responsible. I wish I had forgiven myself sooner. 

I also noticed how much I love being around people. I dont say much, but I enjoy watching everyone of them interact with each other and heading their laughter. 

I tried to let my hair down tonight, and I think I almost got there! I just can’t seem to relax lately, and drinking alcohol was definitely not the solution.

Now I’m on the train home, trying to nurse this hang over by writing this blog, and just writing anything that comes to mind. 

Well, I think it’s safe to say I won’t be waking up early tomorrow morning to the gym! I feel like my head might explode!

Anyway, my past doesn’t really shape who I am, because it helps me move forward. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and I finally understand that the past is in the past. 

17042017 

I miss my grandma so much… I sent her a video today of our new place to let her know that I’m doing well, and that she’s always on my mind and in my heart.

It was my own way of letting her know that I miss her and that I love her, and that I’m literally just a phone call away from her. 

聽到阿嬤的聲音跟她的笑聲,我好像又回到小時後…我還是很愛跟阿嬤「腮ㄋㄞ」呀~ 

Thank goodness for Line, it really does make the distance between Taiwan and Australia closer. 

I guess I did it because I regret not keeping my grandparents in the loop about what’s happening in my life. I used to write them letters, but the older I got the less that happened….

Also I just really wanted my grandparents to know that I actually really miss them. 

小時候不懂自己有大家的疼愛有多幸福,所以現在懂了我只想讓大家知道我也非常愛大家。